Becoming a Stepmom!

Becoming a Stepmom!

I thought I would start my blog off with a very personal, yet hugely relevant piece to my Mummy journey. I’m a very proud Stepmom to 2 beautiful kids, so here in my 1st post, I am going to share a little about that journey so far, with you.

No girl dreams of becoming a Stepmom.
No child dreams of having a Stepmom.

Sometimes life just happens and you find yourself somewhere that you never imagined you would be. That is what happened for me. I met a man that was everything I dreamed of, he was fun, caring, ambitious, loving, loyal, incredibly handsome BUT he had 2 kids.

In the beginning, I remember chatting about that to my friend and they said listen, you’re not about to marry the guy, have fun, enjoy getting to know each other and a couple of months down the line if things get serious, then you can start thinking about all that. So off I went. We went on about 4 dates in one week and there was no doubt about it, I was falling for him, hard and fast! The fact that he had 2 kids wasn’t really at the forefront of my mind for the first few months, as we were just having so much fun together, nights away, nights in (in my house) but we knew it, we were in fact falling in love. I had never met anyone like him, he was so strong and wise and incredibly funny. We wanted the same things in life, he wanted more kids too, which was very important for me. I had finally understood what people meant when they said, “When you know, you know”

In past relationships, I used to think, do I know? I think so… but there was no doubt here, I wanted to be with this amazing man for the rest of my life. I had no doubts. Of course, I thought, am I going to be able to be a Stepmom to 2 kids? They were aged 8 and 9 when we met. Again, I followed my heart and I knew that they were part of my husband and I was sure once I would meet them, I would realise that they were wonderful kids and we could all be happy together. My husband minds his children fulltime and has for many years, so I wasn’t entering a weekend here and a weekend there set up, this was going to be a full-time role and I definitely did not want to be more confusion in their lives. If I was in, I had to be 100% in!

So, I met them, they were amazing, like I had guessed and we got on great. I consider myself a bit of an actress so I used to call down in the evenings and we would play pretend games of X Factor and Britain’s got talent and we would all be in knots laughing. I liked the feeling, the 4 of us, relaxing, having fun, enjoying each other’s company and being silly together. Id drive back to my own house at night and think ya, we got this. We had told the kids to begin with, that we were just friends and eventually we told them that if they were ok with it, we were going to become boyfriend and girlfriend. They were, thank God and our bond began to grow.

I would take them horse riding, I began to sleep over, we would go on family days out, it was fantastic. We got engaged, the kids were thrilled. The 3 of them went over to my parents’ house to ask permission for my hand in marriage. We made sure they were involved all the time. Our wedding came and went and it was magical, both kids made a speech about how lucky they were that I had come into their lives, which was incredible beyond words. I loved our little family and we were so special.

Soon after our wedding, their Mum and their incredible childminder both passed away within a couple of months of each other. As you can imagine this was incredibly difficult for the kids. Their world had turned upside down. There was so much change happening that I can only imagine how confused they must have been.
We bought a lovely new house for all of us and things were going well. We decided to try for a baby and like a miracle, 9 months later our little baby boy Bobby arrived into our lives. He was the best thing to happen to all of us ever and we all loved him so much. Bobby coming into our world however is where our relationship became a little complicated for me.

I didn’t have an easy delivery with Bobby, but when we finally were able to bring Bobby home from the hospital all I wanted was to mind him, get him into a good routine, making sure he had enough sleep etc… However, this proved difficult with two other kids in the house, coming and going to training and matches and friends calling at the door, as they should be able to at their age. I could feel myself getting upset with them for making noise when Bobby was sleeping. Looking back, I suffered from some sort of first time Mum anxiety, for sure.

Also, I found it difficult to share him. I know that sounds so silly but that’s the way I felt. Now our little baba is 1 and I still find it hard to share him, however, I find the biggest challenge of being a Stepmom sharing my husband. The challenge is not the kids because my God they are the most amazing, good fun, well behaved, amazing children in the world and I truly love them both so much. Bobby is lucky to have such a wonderful big Brother and big Sister. The big challenge for me is sharing everything! My husband usually works until 6pm, he then comes home and both kids usually need lifts to training and matches and he will stay and watch the big games, as he should, but where does that leave me and Bobby? We haven’t seen him all day and lots of evenings, its bedtime for Bobby, or close to it by the time he comes home.

I remember the 5 of us were in Spain during the summer and the older kids went to an activity camp for the morning, so we went out on a boat with Bobby and I cried. I cried because I was happy. I was happy that for once it was just the 3 of us doing something together that was a first for Bobby, his first boat trip. My husband was present and in the moment, he wasn’t talking about rugby or basketball with the kids, he wasn’t being asked for 2 Euro for this or that he was with us and we were both focusing on Bobby.

That is one of the big challenges for me as a Stepmom, sharing….

The other is loneliness.

We could all be relaxing in the evenings and I would feel incredibly alone. They are all watching a match or telling Dad all about their day and I am present, they are telling me too but I don’t feel a part of the unit, sometimes I almost feel like I am just watching the evening happen from the side-line. My husband is loved by everyone of us in the family, the kids adore him, as they should because he is an amazing Father and always has been, but I don’t feel that they really love me in the same way and that’s ok but it does make you feel alone sometimes.

I know every step parent’s situation is different, these are just my feelings and my experience. I am learning and as time goes on, it does get easier. I hope I don’t sound extremely selfish, I am just trying to be honest so if other Step Parents are reading this they may not feel as alone, if they too are feeling this way. I think it was the book “Step Monster” that said “The Stepmom faces formidable challenges, not least because to admit her difficulties is often taboo”. We are the adult after all.

Recently, my attitude has changed and I have honestly realised that I am incredibly lucky to have this chance to be such a significant role in my step children’s lives. I can be that Mother figure to them that they both so badly need and deserve and that is a gift, so great. I didn’t come to this realisation overnight, it is still a struggle I face every single day.

I am not a self-help book kind of gal, in fact this is the first one I have ever read, but I must say it has helped me tremendously. It is called “UnF*ck Yourself” by Gary John Bishop and basically it has reminded me and continues to remind me, each time I pick it up that our family of 5 is indeed the greatest blessing. I have the chance to be such a positive role model in our kids’ lives. I am blessed that they have welcomed me into their lives and their hearts and I need to enjoy every moment of being their Stepmom because before I know it, they will be big people living their own lives and this is my opportunity to do good, to do great things for them, for me and for the 5 of us as a family.

Yes, it is hard and I will never deny that but it is also fun, it is exciting and it can be incredibly rewarding.
“Being a Stepmom means they grew inside of my heart instead of my tummy” xoxo

25 Comments

  1. Ann Lyall
    September 29, 2017 / 10:24 am

    You are a true inspiration Amy Jane to both Step Mums & everyday Mums who struggle with the day to day challenges of being a Mum!! So proud of you & im sure your blog will be an incredibly supportive ‘go to’ for every Mum to share their experiences.

    • Amy Jane
      September 29, 2017 / 11:15 am

      Wow, thank you so much Ann, I hope so too x

    • Amy Jane
      October 1, 2017 / 9:12 am

      Thank you Ann

  2. Pauline Fahy
    September 29, 2017 / 12:08 pm

    Well done Amy …it’s a truely fabulous honest heartwarming blog from a very brave step mom and mom ….being a mom is a hard road but being a step mom is a road full of huge pot holes with no surface I’m sure but by God girl you are getting down that road with a warm heart and you will and I’m sure you already are getting those rewards …best of luck with your blog xx

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:53 am

      Thank you so much Pauline x

  3. Gwen
    September 29, 2017 / 12:25 pm

    Oh Amy that’s so gorgeous and so honest.From the other side I know it’s been hard for Graeme to share me.Obviously my son was my first priority and for someone to come in and adapt themselves to our little club was and is extremely challenging.You are doing a great job hun and I really admire you x

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:52 am

      AW thank you so much Gwen x

  4. Julia Lynes
    September 29, 2017 / 1:12 pm

    Just wanted to say well done on such an honest, open account of your journey into motherhood/step-motherhood. Xx

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:52 am

      Thanks Julia xxx

  5. Niamh
    September 29, 2017 / 4:01 pm

    Wow Amy! That was so sweet, honest & open! Well done you! Thanks so much for sharing part of your world look forward to more hot Mama

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:51 am

      Thank you Niamh x

  6. Majella
    September 29, 2017 / 4:17 pm

    Amy Jane, wow what a wonderful and honest post. It’s lovely and refreshing to hear the ups and downs of motherhood. You are doing a wonderful job, well done and keep it up Looking forward to your future posts.
    Majella xx

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:51 am

      Thank you so much Majella x

  7. Katie
    September 29, 2017 / 8:55 pm

    That’s just beautiful Amy. From someone who knows your situation, you don’t give yourself enough credit. Your an amazing mum to all 3. Your honestly is touching and real. I feel your pain but I also feel the love, keep writing, I’ll be following, much love! Xxx

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:51 am

      Thanks Katie xxx

  8. Myra
    September 30, 2017 / 1:06 pm

    Amy Jane you are such an amazing person inside and out. You speak straight from that huge heart of yours always and thats what makes you so special. Your kids are so blessed to have you as a roll model with a big ball of fun thrown into the mixture. You’re an inspiration to so many people. Xxx Myra ❤️

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:50 am

      Thanks Myra, love you x

  9. Dee
    September 30, 2017 / 6:49 pm

    I must say I had a ‘lump in my throat’ moment reading that Amy. Those three little kids are so lucky to have you as their mum. And I LOVE the way you mention ‘fun’ so much. That’s what will get you through with flying colors. You’re doing great. Xx

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:50 am

      Thank you Dee so much x

  10. Lisa
    September 30, 2017 / 7:50 pm

    This really resonates with me, I think it’s so difficult to talk about our feelings/difficulties we face because I always think people are going to say or are thinking “well you knew what you were getting into”. I also agree that being a step parent can feel particularly lonely, I don’t know any other step parents. Take care and thank you for writing, found your blog through support our stepmums in instagram

    • Amy Jane
      October 1, 2017 / 9:13 am

      Aw thank you Lisa I don’t know any others either so that’s nice, now we have each other The SOS page is super too x

  11. Tracy
    October 1, 2017 / 3:13 pm

    What an amazing insitful blog- I will defiantly be following!
    I am a step mum to three/four (it’s complicated!)
    We have the two every weekend, your struggle with sharing has really got a spot!!
    Thank you x

    • Amy Jane
      October 2, 2017 / 9:54 am

      Thanks Tracey, its nice to have contact with other Stepmoms x

  12. October 4, 2017 / 2:52 am

    I think this is so beautiful! It’s wonderful that the children are good to you and love you but even more so that you recognize this time as an opportunity to shape them into the adults they will become… even when it’s so hard! So much wisdom and patience you have!

    • Amy Jane
      October 12, 2017 / 8:20 am

      Thank you so much Toni, I really appreciate your kind words x

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